Piss Fumes- NFL Predictions (Week 14)
Last Week: 8-7
Season Record: 87-46
“Lock of the Week”: 6-2
“Upset of the Week”: 5-4
“Cheating husband of the Week”: 1-0
The last quarter of regular season football is here. One month to go. Where do your teams stand? Is the the gun up against their heads? Or are they already dead? This is really the best part of the season, as things begin to heat up in the playoff races, even though the temperatures around the country are plummeting.
Thursday Night Football- Pittsburgh Steelers (6-6) @ Cleveland Browns (1-11): Forget the match up for a second. What has happened to the World Champs? Four consecutive losses, two of them to the cellar-dwellers of the AFC West. Not good. As far as I’m concerned, this team just doesn’t have the will to win football games. They don’t lack talent, they just cannot be relied on to play out a full 60 minutes of football. Without Troy Polamalu, who we can now credit as the most valuable player to this team, they’re in trouble, and chances are, they won’t be playing this January.
This may very be the Steelers final victory of the season. Yeah, even though nothing is a sure shot for them anymore, they’ve downed the Browns 12 straight times, and this one won’t be much different. But hey, don’t count the Browns out. Brady Quinn is actually playing like an NFL quarterback for the first time in…well, his career. And they only fell to Pittsburgh by 13 in the first meeting. Steelers 24-10.
Sunday Games- 1:00 PM EST:
Detroit Lions (2-10) @ Baltimore Ravens (6-6): The Ravens are part of that “6-6″ group in the AFC Wildcard race, and even though they have the easiest remaining schedule of the group, they’ve been really disappointing to say the least and don’t look like a playoff-ready team. They’ve lost six 0f nine, and that offense is starting to look pretty weak again. Ray Rice kept them in some games offensively, but last week- the Packers shut him down, making the rest of the offense look like Raven droppings.
The Lions will be going with Culpepper in this one, and it may be his last chance to play in an NFL game. So expect them to come out throwing the ball quite a bit. The Ravens won’t have too much trouble at home in this game, but face it, they, like the Steelers, just aren’t a team cut out for January football. Ravens 17-6.
New Orleans Saints (12-0) @ Atlanta Falcons (6-6): A few weeks ago, when I looked at the Saints remaining schedule, I saw this game and labeled it as a possible spoiler to the undefeated run. Now, with Atlanta reeling and devastated with injury, it doesn’t look like much of a threat.
The Saints should be able to take this thing with relative ease. Even if the Falcons put up a fight, New Orleans will find a way to pull it out. If you’re Atlanta….the time to get the golf clubs ready is now. Saints 30-14.
Green Bay Packers (8-4) @ Chicago Bears (5-7): Mike McCarthy has really pulled this Packer team together in recent weeks. When they lost to Tampa Bay, they looked like serious pretenders. A month later, that defense is playing lights-out, and Aaron Rodgers is making Brett Favre a complete after thought in Wisconsin. However, over 170 penalty yards and a near blown 17 point lead against the Ravens Monday Night still raises a few questions. Are they December-worthy? Or will they cheese it?
I don’t want to underplay one of the greatest rivalries in sports, but I don’t see too much trouble in this one for Green Bay. Chicago is…awful. Even though they finally got a victory last week- it was the Rams. And it was only by the tune of 11 points. I only ponder how many picks Jay Cutler will manage to toss in this game…he had 4 in the first matchup of these squads. Packers 31-13.
Seattle Seahawks (5-7) @ Houston Texans (5-7): Wow, who would’ve thought these teams would meet at this point with similar records? Talk about dropping the ball, if you’re Houston. Actually, dropping the ball isn’t the problem in H-Town…it’s kicking and running. When this dissapointing campaign ends for the Texans, I can almost call it a lock when I say that there will be two guys named Brown looking for work. Maybe even a Kubiak, too. Houston 28-9.
Denver Broncos (8-4) @ Indianapolis Colts (12-0): I tried to go against the Colts last week, and- like every opponent they have faced this season- I lost. A win here locks up the #1 seed for the Colts, and I wouldn’t be too surprised if they treat the rest of their games like pre-season. Forget about 16-0, keep those starters healthy, and don’t get too greedy. The last time they made it to 13-0, (that’s how good they are- this isn’t even new to them.) they got too distracted and tanked the rest of the way.
The Broncos, on the other hand, should be playoff-bound, and they deserve credit. They went from a potential powerhouse, to serious pretenders, to just doing whatever it takes to win and get in. However, they’ll be brought down back to earth in this one. The Colts are still the much better squad here. Indy 27-14.
Miami Dolphins (6-6) @ Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5): This is more like it. With serious playoff implications on the line, it’s tough to think either of these teams will disappoint in this game. While Jacksonville is just doing whatever they can to keep that wild card spot, Miami is shooting for another division title. I think it’s just too important of a game for the Dolphins to drop. If they lose, they can finally call it a season (I think I’ve considered their season “over” on three separate occasions this year). But if Jacksonville loses, despite the fact that they are still definitely alive, they again still have Indy and New England to face.
If Chad Henne can perform like he did against the Patriots, the Dolphins will take it. The Jags pass defense is still not very good. However, if Henne plays like he did against Buffalo, Jacksonville will have to deal with Ricky Williams and the wildcat. Jeez…wildcat, wildcard, what isn’t wild about football in this part of the season? Expect a wild one. Dolphins 20-17.
Buffalo Bills (4-8) @ Kansas City Chiefs (3-9): You know, when two garbage teams just have to play each other in the early stages of the season, it’s annoying to pick between them and risk tainting the weekly record. When they play late in the season with no implications other than draft positioning, it’s….well….pissing me off quite frankly. Buffalo put up 54 in shootout at KC last season, and neither of these teams have really changed much in a years time. Kansas City 26-24.
Cincinnati Bengals (9-3) @ Minnesota Vikings (10-2): The Vikings might have something to worry about, finally. They’ve become too pass-happy, and this is no longer an offense revolving around Adrian Peterson. Before Favre starting putting up ridiculous numbers in the mid-part of this season- it was still AP’s offense, and Favre was just the game-manager. Even though it may not be as favorable to the media, they still got the job done and won games. They need to get back to that formula….especially when they have opponents like the Bengals.
The Bengals are a rare team in this era of football. They pound it away on offense and get the job done on defense. Carson Palmer often throws fewer than 25 passes a game, and they still win pretty easily. They know how to finish, too. If they need the passing game late- it’s there for them. That’s the type of team you want going into the playoffs. How great of a story would it be if this team pulled off some upsets in the playoffs and made it to Miami? Marvin Lewis once had a team full of criminals and poorly-disciplined players. All he’s done this year is revive Cedric Benson and Larry Johnson. He’s a dark horse for coach of the year. Bengals win late, 24-20.
Carolina Panthers (5-7) @ New England Patriots (7-5): Is Bill Belicheck losing it? Clearly, he thinks his team is a lot better than it actually is. He tried making a statement this week by sending a few players home who were late to a team meeting. Will it work? Or will the locker room start becoming an issue?
I don’t consider Carolina a threat. It’s in New England, a place where the Pats haven’t lost this season. There’s also a good chance it’ll snow- a condition the Patriots have never lost in. So consider it a win for the Patriots…but don’t get too comfy, Patriot fans. New England 26-7. Lock of the Week.
New York Jets (6-6) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-11): Personally, I find it hilarious that Mark Sanchez is out for this game-, considering the fact that Rex Ryan brought in the Yankees’ manager to teach him how to slide properly. It’s like a parent hiring a tutor for it’s child- and yet the child still fails the course. Now, with their season on the line, the Jets must resort to the backup, Kellen Clemens. I don’t think it’s too much to worry about- after all, Sanchez seemed to have made more crucial mistakes this season rather than win games for the Jets. Clemens will be the game manager in this game- he’ll be sticking it in Thomas Jones’ gut for the most part.
But I just have this gut feeling…that the Buccaneers, on a warm Florida afternoon…will have the spirits to make something of this game. If they can stop the run and force Clemens into passing situations….watch out. Buccaneers in the upset of the week, 19-14.
Sunday Games- 4:00 PM EST:
St. Louis Rams (1-11) @ Tennessee Titans (5-7): Tennessee may be done this season in terms of the playoff picture, but that’s not stopping them from continuing a run for a possible winning season, despite an 0-6 start. 0-6 to 9-7? Now that’s really impressive- and quietly…the AFC South has become the NFL’s best division this year. Titans 37-17.
Washington Redskins (3-9) @ Oakland Raiders (4-8): What do you have to do to win if you’re Washington? Three straight heart-breaking losses to playoff-bound teams despite their own season already being a mess. I mean they had the Saints at point-blank range…and still lost the game. Oakland, on the other hand, made the right move benching JaMarcus Russell. Gradkowsi certainly isn’t the future of the team at quarterback…but honestly, I’d say he’s a safer bet than JaMarcus. The west-coast trip will be too much for the Skins. Oakland 22-13.
San Diego Chargers (9-3) @ Dallas Cowboys (8-4): The whole “December woes” thing for Dallas will probably be pressed on Tony Romo again this season if they continue to struggle down the line…but I can hardly blame him. His stat line against the Giants was unreal- 41/55 (four completions away from tying an NFL record) for nearly 400 yards and three scores, no picks. Bad special teams play is what doomed the Cowboys against the Giants. Oh yeah, and the inability to chase down Team Jacob(s).
Philip Rivers won’t win the MVP this season, but he’s been the most important part of the Chargers this season. LT has been banged up, so that running game is amongst the NFL’s worst. Now, against the leagues 20th ranked pass defense, Rivers gets chance to continue his subtle dominance. Chargers 35-21.
Sunday Night Football- Philadelphia Eagles (8-4) @ New York Giants (7-5): The Giants refuse to go away. That 40-17 loss to Philly earlier in the season seemed like the beginning of the end in hind sight a few weeks ago, but a win against Dallas at home last week saved their playoff hopes.
I think Philadelphia has a lot to prove in this game. They’re inconsistent- whenever they impress they always seem to dissapoint again in no time. If New York can build off the momentum, they should be able to win this game, however- I can see Philly exposing their defensive shortcomings in the secondary. If the weather is a factor, who will it benefit more? Eli Manning is historically poor in windy, cold games. Eagles 31-23.
Monday Night Football- Arizona Cardinals (8-4) @ San Fransisco 49ers (5-7): Last week, we all looked at this game and thought it would surprisingly be for the NFC West divison lead. A week and two surprising results later, it’s just a potential clinch or a delaying of the inevitable- a Cardinals division title. That’s why you never look ahead in the NFL. Cards, 38-20.

Leave a Reply