Piss Fumes- NFL Predictions (Week 13)

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Last Week: 12-4

Season Record: 79-39

“Lock of the Week”: 5-2

“Upset of the Week”: 5-3

How’s that for a “comeback”?

Thursday Night Football- New York Jets (5-6) @ Buffalo Bills (4-7): The Toronto Bowl, take two for the Buffalo Bills. Last season, the Bills faced the Miami Dolphins in Toronto, and much to the dismay of the people who payed hundreds of dollars to see this game, they lost a blunder of a football game 16-3. Now they get another shot, on a national stage in prime time. The Bills are always good for a tough battle in games like these, with the whole country watching and an opportunity to show people they still actually exist as a franchise (I’m sure people in California will take a look at the TV Guide on Thursday, see this game, and go-”Who’s Bill?”).

With the Jets still on the fringe of that playoff picture, the Bills will look to play spoiler for the third straight week. It was that 16-13 overtime win for Buffalo in the Meadowlands in week 6 that really scarred the Jets season, and they just haven’t been the same since. As a team, they outplayed Buffalo in almost every phase of the game, but no matter the opponent, you don’t win games when you throw six picks. The Jets need to keep it on the ground, and just play their game on defense, and they should be able to come out on top. Like I said before, Buffalo plays tough on prime time, but they always seem to choke in the end somehow, and I don’t see things changing in this game. Have I over-analyzed this game enough for you, Canada? Jets 21-20.

Sunday Games- 1PM EST:

Philadelphia Eagles (7-4) @ Atlanta Falcons (6-5): Matt Ryan won’t be playing in this game, but don’t dismiss the Falcons in this one for that reason alone. Chris Redman is a really solid backup QB, as he tossed over 40 passes in place of Ryan last week, the most important of them coming at the end of the game during a winning drive against the Bucs. So, it’ll be closer than you think. The Eagles also will be missing a key pawn: DeSean Jackson.  The guy is almost a sure scratch in this one after suffering a concussion last weekend. I’m expecting a tight one in this dirty-bird match-up, and maybe even some “dirty birds” from the Atlanta fans to go in the direction of Mike Vick.  Mike visits the Georgia Dome for the first time since he was re-granted his rights as a free man. Philly, 27-23.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10) @ Carolina Panthers (4-7): Like the Flock of Seagulls song goes, the name of the game for Carolina in this once-potent rivalry game is to just run. Run so far away. Run all night and day. Trust me, this time- you’ll get away. Panthers 34-21.

St. Louis Rams (1-10) @ Chicago Bears (4-7): I could go on about the lackluster match-ups we’re seeing this week in the NFL…but hey, these could actually be good games to watch. Remember Cleveland-Detroit a couple weeks ago? That was one of the best games you’ll see all year- and hell, it was even a better game than last week’s New England-New Orleans Monday night debacle.

Anyway, I think this one will be pretty one-sided, as the Bears will probably let loose in this one and put up as many scores as possible. Their season has tanked and now they get a chance to pick on someone not quite their size. Bears 35-13.

Detroit Lions (2-9) @ Cincinnati Bengals (8-3): Lions, Tigers and Be…ah I’ll spare the cliche for now. Something tells me that it’s like the Bengals to drop a game like this on the road and jeopardize their playoff seeding, but with their rush attack, now a three headed monster with Benson, LJ and rookie Bernard Scott, tells me different. Teams built to run like them win late in the season, and toast cupcake squads like the Lions. Bengals 23-10.

Tennessee Titans (5-6) @ Indianapolis Colts (11-0):  Funny how this league works, isn’t it? Last time these teams met, it was a total mismatch, 4-0 vs. 0-4, and the game played out like that, as Indy rolled, 31-9. Now, nine weeks later, it’s quite possibly the game of the week.

The Titans defense is steadily improving, while the offense is just running to daylight with Chris Johnson, who’s season has been so good, it would still be considered one of the best a runner has EVER had in league history even if he didn’t get another carry for the rest of the year. This is in a passing era-folks. The Colts defense may just be the best in the league when it comes to making big plays when it matters the most. And the offense, well, speaks for itself on Sundays. We all talk about Peyton Manning, rightfully so, but how about Joseph Addai? Quietly, this guy is performing at a high level each week, whether it be his rushing, receiving, or even blocking skills. So, we have an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object here. In week 5, the Colts left the Titans for dead, but they left before they hit the ground, before they covered their faces, before they checked their mouths for gold teeth.  Enjoy the rematch, NFL fans. UPSET OF THE WEEK- Titans 28-24.

Houston Texans (5-6) @ Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5): Can you say, “Do or Die”? That was a crucial loss for the Jags last week on the west coast…they still have Indy and New England on that schedule. If they drop this one, they’ll have to beat both of those teams in order to have a chance at a wild card spot. The Texans don’t have much of an easier task, though. Win or die from here on out for H-Town. I think this one will be a shootout. David Garrard and Matt Schaub should both be good for 300+, and Maurice Jones-Drew might clock in a few more scores as well. How will the Texans equalize the run attack of the Jaguars? Well, at least Slaton can catch the ball…Jaguars get the season sweep, 38-28.

New England Patriots (7-4) @ Miami Dolphins (5-6): If Miami didn’t get upset in Buffalo last week, just as someone called it *cough*, this game would be for the division lead, believe it or not. Instead, both teams look to redeem embarrassing losses.

I can’t go against New England in this situation. This is a team that just does not lose two games in a row…ever. The formula to stop the Wildcat offense may still be a work in progress, but the formula to beat Miami is simple: just do what you can to put them in passing situations. Chad Henne finally played like a first-year starter against Buffalo last week, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that Belicheck will make sure that happens again this week. New England, 33-14.

Oakland Raiders (3-8) @ Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5): Alright, time for the Champs to right the ship. Big Ben should be back, but they may not need him for long here. The fact that Oakland is coming to Pittsburgh should be enough to dismiss this one. No immaculate receptions to see here. Steelers, 31-6.

New Orleans Saints (11-0) @ Washington Redskins (3-8): I’m still incredibly impressed by the Saints performance on Monday night against the Patriots. Brees was perfect, yes, but that’s not even what caught my attention. The defensive scheme Greg Williams put together against the Patriots made Brady and Belicheck look ordinary. I don’t know how I can pick this team to lose. Oh, I’m not talking about this one, though. This is just common sense. I mean the rest of the season. I just don’t see them losing. Saints 37-7.

4:00 EST Games

San Diego Chargers (8-3) @ Cleveland Browns (1-10): That common sense thing I just mentioned? Yeah- it applies here, too. The Chargers are really going under the radar this season- and to be truthful- I don’t think they would want it any other way. Chargers 28-3. Lock of the Week.

Dallas Cowboys (8-3) @ New York Giants (6-5): Ugh. Normally I’d be ecstatic for a match up like this, or even this match up in particular, but the Cowboys are allergic to December and the Giants are free falling…almost identical to what Buffalo did last season. Eli Manning just isn’t 100 percent right now on that foot. And Brandon Jacobs is almost as much of a bust in New York this year as Braylon Edwards. Personally, I’m a Team Edward(s) guy over Team Jacob(s). Cowboys 24-14.

San Francisco 49ers (5-6) @ Seattle Seahawks (4-7): Okay, not the best match up of the week, but it’s a rivalry no less. I see a battle of the backs. Frank Gore is an obvious fantasy start, as he is always good for a huge game against Seattle, and Justin Forsett gets a chance to prove he is the long-term answer for the Seahawks at running back. The Niners are still in the playoff picture in the NFC, but this one really just for 2nd place in the NFC West more than anything else. 49ers take it, 26-17.

Sunday Night Football: Minnesota Vikings (9-1) @ Arizona Cardinals (7-4): No question, with Brett Favre stealing the show in Minnesota, people are starting to forget just a little about number 28. This is a great match up for him, and it’ll be a nightmare for the Cardinals, who had to face Chris Johnson last weekend in that heart-breaker to Tennessee. Despite Favre having arguably the best season of his career thus far, I think he’ll throw the ball a lot less in this game then in previous ones. The Cards have their work cut out for them- the Vikes have shown little weaknesses on defense this year- and if Warner plays, Jared Allen could turn that “blurry vision” Kurt’s been suffering from into complete blindness. Just remember, Jared- you can’t throw the ball forward on a lateral. That’s Brett’s job. Vikings 30-24.

Monday Night Football: Baltimore Ravens (6-5) @ Green Bay Packers (7-4): Well, the Packers can hit the Ravens where they hurt the most. If Aaron Rodgers can get the time to throw the ball, the Packers will put up a lot of points. The Ravens bite on play action more than any other team, so Ryan Grant can be a crucial factor as well. Obviously, the Ravens offense all depends on Ray Rice, he’s been the saving grace for that team this year. But the Packers are also suspect on defense against the pass (as long as the throws don’t go in the direction of Charles Woodson)m so Joe Flacco could have a big game. His receivers need to do their part, however. Ravens 31-21.

Tiger Woods (0-1) vs. Elin Nordegren (1-0): Last week, in their first battle, Elin won single-handedly, thanks to that brutal 9-iron defense. Tiger’s SUV game-plan proved inferior, but I believe that this time he’ll have a chip-in on his shoulder. Alright, cheap-shots aside, who usually wins battles like this? No matter what, Elin will find away to top Tiger when it’s all said and done. The details are still foggy, but marital affairs are a serious no-no when you’re a public image of any sort. But hey, every golfer needs to wash his balls at some point. Elin.





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Tanner Kish

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