SportsFullCircle

NFL Head Coach

“A coach makes thousands of decisions…any of them can lead to a championship or a pink slip.”

Electronic Arts Sports. Love them or hate them, they’ve been the top dogs in sports video gaming for sometime now. Each year, for the past several years, they’ve been giving us virtual representations of almost all major sports around the world. No matter the competition, or the quality of their products, they just manage to sell more than anyone else. Some gamers think they are monopolizing the sports gaming world, by releasing similar titles each year with few changes other than player updates and cheap features that are supposed to keep us buying. But that’s what it all comes down to. These folks can complain and protest all they want, but in the end, they’re still buying the games, thus flourishing EA’s so-called “dominance” over sports gaming.

So why would they ever want to change the formula and go in a different direction? They’ve already got titles being released each year for major sports leagues such as the NFL, NHL, and NBA. Should be enough, right?

Wrong. Profit is the motivation in business. Greed is what fuels major companies, and without greed, a lot of people would be nowhere, and you and I would be playing with sticks and stones right now.

What act of greed by the EA Sports corporation could I possibly be referencing? In reality, each year and each title they come out with is an act of greed. Who needs a new NBA game next year when you just bought one this year, especially with online roster and game updates that are provided to those with an internet connection? A game can only have so many improvements, after all. It’s almost as if EA can make the ultimate sports title at anytime, but instead they choose to only give us a few new features every year, while taking our money in the process. So it’s not like any complaint I have about any of their games is going to stand out…unless they DO change the formula and go in a different direction…by releasing a spin-off…yes, a SPIN-OFF of one of their current titles.

I’m talking about NFL Head Coach, a game released by EA Sports in the Spring of 2006. It’s a spin-off of their NFL Franchise, the well known Madden NFL. The game was released after Madden 06, and just before the highly anticipated Madden 07. I first saw the trailer for this game in a teaser trailer featured in EA’s NCAA Baseball game. It was awesome. Blew my mind away. As a football guy myself, the thought of a video game version of being an NFL coach was really exciting. I can’t really give a reason why, though. I guess it was the trailer that got me.

That damn trailer.

Well, there’s a reason why it’s considered a “teaser” trailer, as there is no footage of any actual game play in it. Instead, it shows several real-life clips of NFL head coaches screaming at players and barking out different play-calls, cut with some hard-core rock, which looked pretty awesome, and got me relatively excited. My under-achieving, video game junkie brain was easily impressed, therefore influencing me to reserve the game months in advance. For this, I plead guilty to falling into EA’s dreadful trap, as it turned out to be a very, very bad decision. Almost as bad as scoring with a stripper from Vegas during a vacation, going home, bragging about it to your buddies, then returning back to Vegas a year later for another vacation, this time with your wife; only to find your un-consensually and unknowingly conceived son finding it’s way in the suite bathroom sink somehow…

To that, I plead not guilty.

So June rolls around. The game comes, and I pick up my pre-ordered copy from the local game store. Obviously, I’ve pissed my pants in excitement, even though I was disappointed to find that Bill Cowher is on the cover of the game. It’s a wise choice, however, as the Steelers won Super Bowl XL the season before. The Steelers would finish just 8-8 the following season, missing the playoffs, and Bill Cowher would call it quits. Wow, EA just can’t find a guy to put on their cover that won’t end up getting screwed over in the end.

The first thing I notice as the game begins is that the loading screens are PAINFULLY long. It’s like waiting for a kidney stone to pass. To try and give the player something to do during these loading times (I could personally think of some ideas myself), they feature a few different quotes made by several different NFL coaches in the past. Seemed pretty cool at first, but after playing the game for several hours, you’ll notice the same quotes being used over and over again, which gets really irritating. We know Vince Lombardi said “Winning is the only thing,” so you don’t have to keep telling us that. Some of the quotes are pretty odd, too. Some of them don’t even make any sense. And it’s not like these quotes are going to keep me motivated, either…especially in a game that requires me to sit there, call plays, and watch the digital players try to execute them. If I put a bunch of random quotes in between my paragraphs, is that going to pump you up and keep you reading?

“You play to win the game!” - Herman Edwards

The main menu gives you the option to either coach an exhibition game as a current NFL coach, or to start a career as a new coach. Let’s take a look at the career mode, as you begin by choosing what type of coach you are- offensive or defensive. I initially pondered why they asked this, until we are greeted by a virtual Trey Wingo after another loading screen. Trey gives a short recap of Super Bowl XL, then states that the Steelers offensive/defensive coordinator (pending on which type of coach you chose) is moving on to become the head coach of another NFL team. Wow, way to go EA, nice job thinking up of that plot device, did Ken Whisenhunt/Dick Lebeau just disappear? Ken would go on to coach the Cardinals after that season, but still- you’re not Ken Whisenhunt, you’re whatever you named your new coach! Incredible that I’m complaining about a plot device in a video game. It gets worse…much worse.

“We have got to be the DUMBEST team in America”- Bill Callahan

You begin by creating the look of your head coach. You get to alter every little detail, from what he wears to his brow definition. After this, you have to take a questionnaire, yes, a questionnaire, to determine what teams will give you offers to take over as head coach. Some of the questions are just basic football logic, but others are pretty stupid and pointless. The choices you are given for answers aren’t very bright either on a few of them, but that’s all up to the person taking the test. After the test, you get five offers from five different teams. I’m pretty sure it’s just random, and really doesn’t depend on the test, because you’ll occasionally get offers from teams without any coaching needs (at that time, in 2006) such as the Colts, Patriots, or even the Steelers…the team you just supposedly walked away from! You don’t just get to pick your favorite team, either. If you get stuck with five offers from five sucky teams- too bad, you’ll have to sign with one of them.

Luckily for me, my personal favorite team was horrible that season, and they almost always are one of the options to choose from. So naturally I was happy, and ready to start turning the franchise around by winning some big games, however- you still have to guide your team throughout the entire off-season. Alright, shouldn’t be too bad, let’s sign some new coaches, new players and get on the field. I would be wrong again.

“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only:  Super Bowl.” - Bill Peterson

You have to talk to the team owner first. Of course the team owner looks nothing like his real-life counterpart, but at least they got the names right. This time, the questions asked are a lot more straight-forward, but you can still choose ridiculous responses. This effects your relationship with the owner, so if you push the right buttons, you increase your chances of keeping your job. If you’re a total d*** to him, don’t expect a contract extension if you aren’t winning games. But, of course, you still don’t get to coach any games, as the next step is to fire/hire your current staff of coordinators. This is a pretty tedious process. You sit in a conference room, browse between the guys on your staff, and either tell them they’re staying or going. While this is going on, there’s some overly-dramatic music in the background. You would think it sets a mood, but trust me…it’s impossible to get emotional when playing game that has you doing nothing but choosing options. Well, I guess you could get pissed.

“The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.” - John Madden

We now move on to the NFL Draft. This is when things really started going south for me and my feeling towards this game. Why the hell do I need to re-do the 2006 NFL Draft? And why is there a virtual version of Mel Kiper Jr.? I don’t even like the real version! The drafting process is once again stupid and boring. Stupid in the sense that this is a draft that already happened, and the other teams selecting are obviously just taking random players. I’ve seen Matt Lienart as a 6th round pick, Reggie Bush dropping to the second round, and players like Keith Ellison going within the top five picks. It’s boring in the sense that you again are just watching your custom made head coach sitting in a chair with one other person sitting next to you, telling you who the wise choice would be. Actually, there is no wisdom in their advice, they just tell you to take the best player left on the board.

After the draft, you talk to the rookie’s agents, and agree to contract negotiations. This is when I decided to take a look at the team rosters, and I found that they weren’t updated after the 05-06 season! So we still have, for example,  Jerome Bettis on the Steelers. This tells me that the game designers were either too lazy to update or just forgot to watch Super Bowl XL (if they did, they didn’t miss much). Also, player ratings are really screwed up. Great players like Shaun Alexander, a guy who scored 28 touchdowns the season before, is only rated 72 out of a possible 99. The odd reason for this: you have to coach your players well in order for them to play at their best potential. Seems realistic, but some players are just horrible. If you plan on coaching J.P Losman to be your starting quarterback, forget about it- he’s got a 55 rating, and only plays up to a 71. If you suck at coaching, he goes as low as 39. In Madden 2006, the lowest rated player is a 50 overall.

“The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”   -Phyllis Diller

At this point, you would expect the off-season stuff to be out of the way, but nope, still another good hour or two of sitting at a desk and managing players. During the free agency period, you have a limited amount of time in the day to call player agents and attempt to reach a contract deal. If you even touch the phone when that time has expired, you get a big, obnoxious banner saying, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT RIGHT NOW.” Imagine you’re at work, and you pick up the phone. Someone is already on the other line, and they say “Put the phone down, you don’t have time to do this right now…”

“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.”  - Terry Bradshaw

Okay, so HOURS later, pre-season and training camp mercifully come. By this time, you’re not only tired of playing the game, but your eyes are probably bleeding. Ears, too, considering the fact that the only sounds you’ve been hearing up to this point are: various NFL Films tunes, clicking, more clicking, phones ringing, and a chair spinning. Now usually, in the Madden games, I skip through the pre-season games just to start playing in the regular season. In this case, however, ANY type of football is a breath of fresh air. Unfortunately, as I continue to breathe this air…I begin to take in these…strange…fumes…

“Holding, offense, number sixty-seven, ten yard penalty, first down.” - Ed Hoculi

Coaching in this game might actually be worse than just sitting at a desk doing nothing, and having the phone give you orders. First off, the way you manage the players in the game is a total joke. You can walk up to any of your players, at any time, and chose to praise him, or yell at him. This actually effects the player’s ratings, as unbelievable as that may sound. And it’s not as simple as complimenting a player and having him play better, either- different players react differently to what you say at different times. Does that even make sense? You can yell at a guy, tell him he’s not playing well, and see that his rating actually goes up. Or, you can praise a guy, tell him he’s doing his job right, and he’ll react negatively to it for some reason. What has this game become? The Sims? Wait a second…the Sims…hmm…EA makes the Sims games, don’t they? Put two and two together. We’re pretty much playing the NFL version of The Sims.

Never have I hated football this much, clearly EA is trying way too hard to make this thing realistic. When the game is over, do I have to go home, kick the dog, take a dump, please the wife, and call 911 because the espresso machine caught fire?

“[Manic screaming during important play]” - Gus Johnson

Calling plays is simple enough, but watching the players perform is like watching a bunch of pre-schoolers on caffeine highs in a McDonald’s playhouse. They have NO idea what they’re doing- as the game’s artificial intelligence is…well…broken. You call a play, maybe a simple HB Dive out of a 1 RB, 2 WR, 2 TE personnel, and the runner will just go wherever the hell he pleases, instead of following his blocks. Try running a seven-man protection scheme out of the gun…you’re quarterback, no matter who he is, will almost always end up taking off on his own. Sometimes he’ll take sacks that lose up to 19 yards on a given play. Try bringing some extra pressure on a key third down play on defense. Hell, bring an eight man blitz for all I care- you’ll almost never find a way to get the opposing QB on the ground, but luckily, the opposing AI isn’t much brighter. You are given several options before plays, such as calling audibles or hot-routes, or telling your quarterback who he should target on a play, or even allow him to scramble if he sees some room. If you chose any of those options, warm up the punter. Bizarre things happen during the game, such as punts in perfect weather that don’t travel more than 12 yards, field goals missed from 27 yards out, but converted from 55. Don’t even try a two-minute offense, or any type of hurry up- most of the time you end up waiting for players to get to the line for so long, you’re better off just picking plays from the play-call screen.

The whole process of a game is similar to watching a scene in Rollerball…you try to give it a chance, but there’s just no chance of being fully aware of what is going on. After the first regular season game, a 9-7 loss, I’m not even pissed off anymore. Just really, really depressed that I wasted hours and hours to set up a team made up of morons, playing in a league of morons, in a world created by morons, in a game made by morons. I just want to go back to playing a football game where I can actually control what’s happening.

EA Sports: If it’s in the game…it’s in the game.

Not this game, folks. NFL Head Coach is so bad, so broken, so un-playable, that you’re better off using the game disc as a coaster for beverages. Do not waste your money on this game, even though it’s probably in most bargain bins by this time. And don’t even consider the sequel, “NFL Head Coach 09”. Just stick with Madden games for now, and let EA chew through our wallets with just one NFL-based game. For those still craving a realistic NFL coaching game…well…just piss off.

Post-note: All statements are satirical, and do not reflect the opinions of any other writers at SportsFullCircle.

Have a suggestion for Piss Fumes? Is there a sports movie/game/book/etc. that you want reviewed in an article of Piss Fumes? Send them to tannerkish@yahoo.com - You never know, your suggestion might make an article.